RELATIONAL SUCCESS

     The problem: Why do good people struggle and fail in relationships? 

As a marriage and family therapist for the last 30 years I have been wrestling with this topic.

Most of us want the same basic thing in our relationships. We want to be happy. We want to feel close to the people we love, but we also want to feel respected. We want to connect, but we also want a voice. We want to be able to depend on other people without losing our independence. We want to grow personally, and we want to grow relationally.

The answer lies in two basic relational needs everyone shares. They are Power and Intimacy.

Power is our ability to have a voice, make choices, solve problems, establish boundaries, protect ourselves, and influence what happens in our lives.

Intimacy is our ability to connect—to trust, care, cooperate, receive support, give support, and allow ourselves to matter to another person.

 Power is about having influence and control over our own lives. Intimacy is about being valued and connected to others. 

Neither one is bad. In fact, we need both. The key to understanding these two important concepts and to making a relationship successful is that they are complementary. That is, as Power increases, Intimacy decreases; as Intimacy increases, Power decreases. 

Most of us do not realize this and as we push harder to get more of one side of the equation, the other side begins to fall.  Without understanding what is happening, we can become increasingly frustrated, and our relationships can begin to suffer. 

     The answer:  The first thing we need to do is discover where we fall on the balance between Power and Intimacy. From there, we can begin learning how to create greater balance in ourselves and in our relationships.   

Where do you fall?
Turn to page 6 and take the Power and Intimacy Assessment.